Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

My coworker, Sheila, and I have been in a closeted relationship for five years.  She lives with her father and he hates me.  I’ve never been welcome in her home.  I’m pretty sure the people suspect we’re together, but it isn’t discussed. Aside from being lovers, we lead separate lives.  To compound our situation, she’ been spending more time with her kids on the weekend and less with me.  Can we make it work? 

Closet Case

Lipstick:  Yick. This situation makes me want to crack open a tallboy and light a cigarette—and I don’t even smoke.  First off, I can’t believe you girls have lasted this long.  Five years marinating in acid is not good for the skin or the spirit.  Second, CC, you deserve happiness; at the very least to wake up next to your girlfriend.  You need to dump the dead weight—tell Sheila that you’re sick of being a liar and that you don’t like the person you’ve become—and then get your ass out of the closet!  Imagine how liberating it will be: you’ll have a new swagger, you’ll get to enjoy all that Gay Pride has to offer (drag queens and free lube), AND, you can finally get that Melissa Etheridge box set you’ve been too afraid to buy at the mall. 

PS: If you think you’re loved ones know you’re a big ole’ scissor kisser, you’re damn right they know.  Now get out while being gay is still in vogue! 

Dipstick: Lipstick is right, Closet Case. Did you ever do that experiment in elementary school where you grow two beans, one in the darkness, and the other on the window sill? The closeted bean grows, but is pale and droopy.  The one that spent its life in the sun sprouts into a beautiful blooming beanstalk.  Heed the scientific theory—open your shutters and let in some light, CC.  And while they’re open, do some spring cleaning.  Sweep that anemic string bean and her nasty father out of your life and bask in the sunshine for a while.  Quit waiting for her to change and take charge of your own life before you shrivel up and die. Once you’ve seen the light, you’ll wonder how you lived in the dark for so long.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I am a mother of three young girls and have always considered myself straight until I met a woman recently who changed everything.  She’s been a lesbian her whole life and I’m completely drawn to her. My soon-to-be ex-husband wants to try our marriage again, but I’m torn.  Do I follow my heart or try one more time for the kids?
Mommie Queerest

Dipstick: For the kids? Please!  How is going back to some man who made your life miserable going to do them any good?  How will it benefit your children if you reconcile with Poppy, only to be pining for Polly on the side?  Be bold.  Your kids will gain much more from you if you live an authentic life.

Lipstick: Try and stick it out, Joan Crawford.  Your commitment to your family is far greater than the sexual charge you feel for the lesbo—if she’s telling you different, she’s a bad dyke, shame on her.  Being a lesbian isn’t about wrecking homes (even though it happens because being with a woman is SO DAMN HOT that straight women often can’t control themselves).  Think about this: wouldn’t it blow if your fiery infatuation with this dyke was extinguished when you hit the sheets?  Or after the first month? Coming out and throwing your marriage away is no cakewalk, especially when kids are involved.  If you’ve honestly never thought you were gay before (even in the buried corners of your soul), then you should give it some time. Try seeing a counselor with your husband; talk to her about how you’re feeling. Perhaps an arrangement can be made to bring the woman into your relationship as a play partner, a sex kitten who packs her bags and tiptoes out before your girls get up for cartoons.  If you start falling for the counselor, her long pantyhosed legs too much for your libido, well then I say you‘re having latent homo-tendencies and you really are a scissor kisser, MQ.

Dipstick Lipstick, if only… The truth is most batterers are NOT psycho to the rest of the world.  They are conniving and manipulative and show their best face to the world.  That’s how they charm the pants off unsuspecting victims like S&S.  Here’s what you need to do sister: You’ve got to go double-crazy on her.  Hopefully stalker gal won’t be there when you head back to the office, but if she is, be prepared!   Sign up for the women’s self defense class at your local community center.  Rent some Bruce Lee DVDs and watch them on the plane trip back.  Practice in the airplane aisle if you need to.  Once you explain yourself to the stewardess, she’ll understand.  Walk tall into the building and don’t let her intimidate you.  Carry some mace in your purse for extra confidence.  If Looney looks your way, let out a long, hideous laugh.  Roll your eyes around like you’re the crazy one.  Chances are she won’t come near you.  But if she does, jump into a kung fu stance and warn her if she comes near you you’ll rip her neck open.  Go ballistic—it works every time.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

How do you break the news to your husband that you’re a lesbian? We have been together for 5 years and I’ve always known I was a lesbian, but never acted on it.  Well, I’m finally ready to come out and ask him to leave.  I know things will be nasty and he’ll get angry. I’m sure he’ll try to change my mind, as he has year after year.  Each time I’ve tried, I feel guilty because he cries, telling me about his big plans for our future. What should I do? 

Married to the Man

Lipstick:  Let me get this straight.  Your hubby already knows you’re a big dyke, but cries and insists you stay?  What a sad, unfortunately soul.  Stop the bleeding and do this man a favor.  LEAVE!  Staying is only placating him, exposing your weakness and the sharp claws of obligation.  Responsibility is one thing, trashing your own truth and happiness because of a guilty conscience is another.  It won’t be pretty, but if you want a shot at happiness, here’s your window, Honey Bucket, now jump.  You MUST stand in the truth of who you are.  Period.  There’s no other way to paradise, but through the whipping licks of coming out hellfire.  Quit taking the easy road.  Bite the mullet and get out! 

Dipstick: Sorry, MM, if coming out were easy, half of Hollywood, sweet sister Theresa, my childhood Sunday school teacher and the entire WNBA all-star team would have beat you to the door handle. Yes, facing the truth is hard, especially when it means stepping into the unknown.  You and your cry baby husband need to grow up.  If my wife told me she was straight and would be happier with a man, sure, it would hurt, and I would cry, but I’d honor her truth and let her wander like Anne Heche, through the desert in search of her true light (hopefully it wouldn’t be a  spaceship light she follows).    Hanging on would be pointless.  And I certainly wouldn’t want her to stay simply because it hurt me. Coming out is damn hard, but labia-lover, you have a choice.  Walk briefly through hell, or spend the rest of your life there.   And one more thing—you should leave him, which means he gets the house.  You opt for the crappy apartment downtown.  At least it will be close to the lesbian bar.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I’ve been seeing this girl for about a month and she wants to get married, but she hasn’t broken up with her last girlfriend yet. What should I wear to our ceremony?

Lost in Loveland

Dipstick: How about a “I’m a loser with no self-esteem t-shirt!”  Seriously, what are you thinking? She said she wants to get married.  Does she want to get married to you?  You’d better get this clarified.  This woman sounds as if she wants to have her wedding cake and eat it, too.  Who’s to say that even if it is you she wants to marry that she isn’t going to take someone else on the honeymoon?  Step back Lost-in-Loveland.  With same-sex marriages becoming legal, this is nothing to fool around with.

Lipstick: While a cute spaghetti-strap dress would look smashing, before you run to the store, sit your ass down—it’s time for school.  From your desk, watch your bride-to-be break up with her girlfriend first.  Then, give her space and give yourself time to learn her last name before you take it.  Wait to see if you have anything in common besides that one little thing you both like in bed.  And finally, while our community has, no doubt, earned the U-haul jokes, hot sex does NOT equal successful marriage.  So, put your nuptials on hold and find out where you are in Loveland before getting lost down another path.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: 

I’m a straight man in a great long-term marriage. My wife and I recently started renting porn, and I’m concerned because she only wants to watch lesbian porn. Is she a lesbian? 

Losing My Wife to Lesbians
 

Lipstick: Don’t worry mister man—it sounds like your wife is just embracing her sexuality.  Halleluiah!  I hope she tells all her friends and it catches on like a wildfire across California!  No need to be threatened by her craving for cunnilingus, it doesn’t mean she’s looking for a little lesbian of her own.  From what I hear, most men dream of having a wife like her, so instead of feeling shaky and insufficient, pay close attention, get on your knees and thank Sappho that your wife’s open enough to admit she’s turned on by a little girl-on-girl action.  Lucky you.

Dipstick: And while you’re on your knees, why not practice some of those moves your porn star friends are so fond of.  My guess is your lady is not so much longing for the lesbians, but the kind of pleasure they can provide.  Shave your whiskers and get busy, boy!